I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
