You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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