Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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