Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
