guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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