there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
