Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
