I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
