its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dicks are not precious.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
