Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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