We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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