I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
