Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
