I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
