Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
