I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
