I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
