Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
