If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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