I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
