if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
