did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
