your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
