I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
