I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
