i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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