i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
