I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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