just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
