At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
