Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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