she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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