Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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