DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
