OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
