I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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