I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
