im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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