rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
