my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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