When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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