Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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