I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
high people should be assigned attendants
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
