That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
