he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
