My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
