there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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