I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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