Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
