SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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