I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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