Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
