I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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